'Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull' - Steven Spielberg (2008)

It’s hard to believe it's been almost 20 years since Indiana Jones last donned his famous fedora, grabbed his whip and travelled to somewhere exotic for a little bit of archaeological adventure action. Its star, Harrison Ford, director Steven Spielberg and exec prod/co-story guy George Lucas say they were just waiting for “the right script to come along” - so has the lengthy wait been worth it?

Unlike any other film in history besides perhaps the Star Wars sixer, this film is critic-proof. No matter what anyone says, almost everyone will be going to see this film over the next month or two. That said, here goes…

*** Spoiler Alert ***

It’s 1957 and we meet Indy and his new sidekick Mac (Ray Winstone) in the company of many grey-suited Russian soldiers. Commander Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) has broken into the cavernous storeroom seen at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark and wants Indy to find her a special crate. Not the one with the ark, but one containing a dead body found at Roswell, New Mexico, in 1947, following a mysterious crash.

This body has an amazing and unusual brain; it’s made of a strange white element and Spalko wants it so she can harness its power – the power to read minds. (In this age of “Better Red Than Dead” the Russians are already behind in nuclear power, and they need to control the minds of everyone who opposes them.) Despite being betrayed by Mac, Indy escapes and makes it back to the University. Trouble isn’t far behind though; the FBI thinks Indy could be a traitor just like Mac, so he’s put on leave, his career all but over.

That’s when Marlon Brando clone Mutt (Shia LaBeouf) comes into the picture; his mother has been kidnapped in Peru after going there to find Professor Oxley (John Hurt), one of Indy’s colleagues who is obsessed with the conquistadors, Mayan culture – and something known as the Crystal Skull.

A recent letter from “Ox” is full of symbols and codes, and once they’ve shaken off some nasty Russians courtesy of Mudd’s biking skills, it’s off to Peru they go. We haven’t see the last of Mac or Spalko and the Russians of course, and soon enough Indy and Mudd are reunited with Ox, now almost out of his mind with riddles, and someone from Indy’s past: Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen), who tells Indy something rather important about Mudd – but only when they’re up to their necks in sinking sand.

The foursome have to escape the Russians again of course, and after getting a sample of the powers of the crystal skull himself, Indy leads the band of adventurers (again including Mac, who says he’s a double agent) on a journey to remember.

They end up at an abandoned Mayan temple that is supposed to be Eldorado - a place of unimaginable riches. In an out-of-this-world ending, our heros find inside the answer to the question of some ancient beings and their special powers – powers that have been looking down over earth (maybe even helping it along).

This disappointing return to the big screen for Mr. Indiana (Henry) Jones borrows several scenes from other Spielberg-Lucas collaborations - namely Jurassic Park, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Return of The Jedi - in what is an uneven adventure/sci-fi/alien tale that’s presumably Jones’ last adventure.

Fears had been expressed about whether Ford would still be able to pull off the action at the ripe old age of 65, along with the charm and humor that personify his best-known character. Sadly, the fears are realized here; Ford seems stiff and wooden – almost phoning in his performance – and the attempts to make him seem like an elderly buffoon only ruin the image even more.

The alien storyline smacks too much of Spielberg – the opening shot is of a mound of sand exactly like that of Devils’ Mountain from Close Encounters.., and when a clearly computer-generated prairie dog comes out of it, I sensed – to paraphrase Nat King Cole – that there could be trouble ahead.

The fact that there is five people in the group we follow (Indy, Mutt, Marion, Ox and Mac) prevent any of them really being allowed any emotional depth (and there’s a lot here to deal with). What happens instead is that Marion and Indy fall into each other’s arms as if nothing has happened (a shame; their initial rows were the only time the film had any real spark), Mutt and Indy barely discuss their life-changing news, and Hurt spends a lot of time looking dreamily into the distance while mayhem erupts around him. Pretty much how I felt watching the film.

Blanchett gives a clumsy, over-the-top performance, and it all just seems too easy for Indy and Co. Nothing ever really goes wrong, you never really feel that they are in danger or not going to make it, and the heart beat never gets racing; perhaps they kept it nice and easy for Harrison.

Add in some surprisingly poor special effects, endless plot holes, a disappearing FBI storyline, the fact that Spalko never uses her apparently amazing mind-control, the inexplicable ability of the Russians to be unable to hear the escaping gang over and over again and an ending that’s virtually identical to Raiders… and you have a mediocre to average movie.

It may be over for Harrison Ford but ...Crystal Skull sets things up nicely for an “Indiana Jones, Jr” sequel – and LaBeouf certainly has the possibility to pull off an Indy Mark II.