MOVIE REVIEW: Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (12A)

It’s no coincidence that The Vampire's Assistant is in mega-large lettering on the poster. It's fair to say this adaptation of the Darren Shan’s novels were impacted somewhat by Twilight-mania. What makes this interesting to Meyer fans is that director Paul Weitz's brother, Chris, directed ‘New Moon’. So, do fangs and angst run in the family?

Darren (Chris Massoglia) was the ideal teenager. A loyal best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson), doing well at school, and making his family proud. However, when he and Steve stumble upon a travelling freak show, Darren steals a unique-looking spider belonging to the show’s owner, Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly), who happens to be a vampire. When the spider poisons Steve, Darren makes a deal with Crepsley, to become a ‘half-vampire’ (!) and subsequently his assistant. Little do either of them know that this deal will break a 200 year truce between two opposing sides of the vampire world, and seal Darren’s destiny.   

Presumably combining the first two books in the series (at least for the film’s title), it’s very clear that at some point in production the ‘other’ vampire film hit cinemas and was a huge success, prompting the film to switch emphasis. Certainly this is a vampire movie, but the beginning seems to focus more on the Cirque itself, and all of a sudden Darren has slicked back hair, a ridiculous leather jacket and slightly huskier voice.  Whether it’s due to this change or not, the whole films suffers from a lack of clarity. We know there are two ‘types’ of vampires, and that a war is coming (again), but we literally only see one of the ‘bad’ kind in the form of Ray Stevenson’s over the top and not-in-the-least-bit-scary Murlaugh. We have no glimpse of what makes Darren so special in comparison to other vampires, but fear not. After so many pointless characters, bad effects and silly dialogue, you won’t care much.

It's unfair to lay the blame at Massoglia’s feet. He does his best, but even he looks a little confused as he and John C. Reilly try to navigate through the more nonsensical parts of the movie. Reilly himself is normally an excellent actor, and tries his best to carry the shambles of a plot. Still, you find yourself looking at his ‘undead Jimi Hendrix’ outfit and thinking ‘was this guy REALLY in Magnolia?’ By far the most offensive part, for anyone who got taken in by the poster and trailer, is the glorified cameos from Hayek and Defoe. The former has no impact on the plot whatsoever, and the latter appears for literally about 4 minutes in the entire film. It's obvious they're there for the money, which is fair enough, but they are big names and you do feel cheated by the publicity machine.

There is a certain spooky charm to it, not unlike the Bette Midler comedy Hocus Pocus. But in an age where a family movie now has to have mythology, and pave way for a ‘saga’ (trilogy is sooo 1997), it's hard to see why anyone would want to stick with this half-baked, forgettable movie.

Vampires on film